I THINK this is going to be the first day that I will not see Shayne since August 8. WOW. Almost three straight weeks of seeing anyone everyday is ... I don't know. Probably really special to me. But I think it was all nothing to her. *sigh*
August 5 - first EB
August 8 - dinner (Tempura) August 9 - Miami Vice (Eastwood) August 10 - The Breakup (Greenbelt 3) August 11 - Beyond the Gates of Splendor (Crossroad 77) August 12 - Click (Gateway) / Overlooking (Antipolo)
August 13 - none August 14 - Yellow Cab Pizza / Pier One (Tomas Morato) August 15 - McDonald's (Philcoa) - study/third wheel thing August 16 - Full Metal Alchemist (home) August 17 - Wendy's (Nagtahan) August 18 - Pancake House/Menu (Metrowalk) / Antipolo August 19 - Jollibee (Philcoa) / Cantina (Katipunan) - the movie I didn't go with
August 20 - Burger King (Timog Ave.) August 21 - McDonald's/Pizza Hut (Katipunan) - the "first" of the farewells *kiss* August 22 - Chowking (Philcoa) / roadtrip (Libis/Ortigas) / Jollibee (Ortigas) - talk August 23 - McDonald's (Quezon Ave. / Philcoa) - study thing August 24 - home (presentation) - Powerpoint/guitar/Photoshop/etc August 25 - *I was in Prayer Mountain August 26 - Wendy's / Baywalk / home - talk/walk/DVD thing
August 27 - last day (we just talked)
Nothing special, huh? It was certainly special to me that I saw a single person almost everyday for that long. Unfortunately, it wasn't as significant and memorable to her as it was to me.
I think I know the cause of my problems now... I've trained myself so hard in saying "no" to things that I don't like or things that I think are not right. But I have never really trained myself in going for something in full force because I was so used to people telling me what to do. This has been the case for so long that when I am faced with a problem that nobody can help me with, I am at a loss with what to do.
I know everything I don't like by now. But I don't really know what I want.
Why is it that I seem to be making the wrong choices all the time? Am I talking to the wrong people? Do I have the wrong philosophies? Am I insane? Is God trying to test my limits? Or are these actually the right choices?
My eyes are tired of all these tears. Tears of an unknown cause. Tears of invalid reasons. Tears of unrealistic dreams. Tears of lost pain. I want to rest a while from them. My eyes hurt...
I just wish to be happy. With or without anyone at all.
I'm going to try and lay low from the #Katipunan group for a while. If this turmoil inside of me doesn't go away, it will be permanent. I just hope I can control myself to do what I plan to do. I will certainly miss the guys. But I just do not like to sacrifice people just because of my stupidity.
I can't believe how attached I was to the group in just 2 weeks. I feel... really sad.
What in the world happened to me? I just realized that I was a solid brick last year, and then I'm suddenly an emotional marshmallow this year. Darn it.
Okay... So it may not be true that I don't want to get married. I just don't PLAN to. And yes, backing up what I said that I want to be alone for a while... I just think my standards are unrealisitically too high. And I like it that way. And to all those who say that I'm missing a big chunk of my life by "shoving away" the possibility of a life with a "special someone". GET A LIFE! I WILL be happy by myself. No more disappointments. No more bitterness. No more expectations. Thank you.
Psalm 39:1-7 I said to myself, I'm going to quit complaining! I'll keep quiet , especially when the ungodly are around me. But as I stood there silently the turmoil within me grew to the bursting point. The more I mused, the hotter the fires inside. Then at last I spoke and pled with God: Lord, help me to realize how brief my time on earth will be. Help me to know that I am here for but a moment more. My life is no longer than my hand! My whole lifetime is but a moment to you. Proud man! Frail as breath! A shadow! And all his busy rushing ends in nothing. He heaps up riches for someone else to spend. And so, Lord, my only hope is in you.
I feel so free when I am alone. Yes, it is lonely. But I am free. Everytime I find the courage to finally share some piece of myself to a friend, my heart and mind goes crazy and I end up saying a lot of nonsense that I don't really do when I am by myself. I am the only one who can understand myself. I am the only one who deserves myself. And I am the only one who deserves my love.
There is no more point in seeking a "special someone" if you don't know where you're going. There is no more point in sharing your soul if you can't even express it clearly. There is no more point in being with a group of friends if all you're going to do is single yourself out everytime you go out. What the hell can I do? I don't want to be hypocritical by laughing at topics that I do not find funny. I do not want to engage in small talk. And finally, I no longer want to be an open book to anyone who will not understand me. Thus, I am probably only an open book to myself. I'm the only one who can put up with myself anyway.
Guys, thank you for putting up with my abnormalities, my eccentricities, my lack of patience, my stupidity, my paranoia, my unstable emotions, and my silent self. I just want to be myself without the need to be a hypocrite. But I learned that there are really things that are better left unsaid. Thank you. I give you credit for it was not an easy task that I was a part of your life and you accepted me just like that.
Thank you, oh Lord, my God. Thank you for the abundance of things that I am can be thankful for in my life. Thank you for being merciful to me despite everything that I am and everything that I did that doesn't deserve You. Thank you Lord for my friends who are there in my time of need. Thank you Lord for my family who have been very understanding of my personality, my passions, and my choices. Thank you oh Lord for all the tools in my life that allows me to reach out to other people and help. Thank you, Lord. Thank you very much. Thank you that You are here in my time of despair.
I think it'll be funny to note that despite the many more things that I should be happy about this year, I'm sadder (maybe not sadder, but more sorrowful and other crap like that) this August than last year and 2 years ago. Nice going, loser.
14:09 - woke up - replied to text messages - went online - "idled/thought" around for a while (muni-muni) - prepared for shower (got clothes, etc)
14:51 - went for lunch
15:09 - finished lunch, got back to my room and stared at blank walls while replying to some text messages - failed at an attempt to get a haircut - blogging - REALLY prepared for shower now
15:35 - finished shower, etc - checked out some sites, checked out my phone and went online in IRC - thought of what to do with "Beyond the Gates of Splendor" - Bible - texting - foruming - went around the house and checked out stuff - installed some games back into the other computer since my brother's exam is already done
16:29 - played IRC-trivia for a while - foruming etc
18:09 - logged off of everything
22:57 - got home, toilet, drop stuff, etc - went online in YM and IRC - a lot of YM/IRC/YM/YM/YM switching after - blog - pretty empty night, no mood for games
20:55 - got home - "powered up" my room - went online - checked email (surprised at the "thank you blog comment" regarding some lyrics I posted by "anonymous" :P) - checked YM for another round of "chill out trippin'" (I think it's Greenbelt this time) - made a BIG SIGH from all the rush (whew) - called up Shayne and whapz for another "out" - reloaded "Faves" playlist on iPod Shuffle
21:13 - dinner - text - talk - family - etc
21:39 - reported back to Glenn, texted Shayne and dressed up for another "out" - gone at around 21:50
By the way, everything under one time stamp is considered overlapping (unless stated). They are not done in a specific order.
13:45 - Wake up - fix all the mess from previous night (Saturn controllers, laptop, shoes, belt) - help with some wireless printing tasks at home - gave a "shout out" to the people in YM (Glenn, Samantha, Michelle, Shiela) and in IRC (still no people) - started this "task blog"
15:00 - lunch - texting people (Shayne)
15:25 - reply to Glenn's YM messages - check out some websites - some more texting - thinking of a program for work later - some more blogging (editing and stuff) - checked email
15:32 - toiletries (shower, toothbrush, etc) - peeked at the newspaper (wow, it's now 51.3 pesos to a dollar)
15:56 - "wushu music" mode - thought of financing for AIA's wushu program - checked out another site - more YM - more blog
16:14 - charged phone (again) - Bible - dressed up - left home at approximately 16:30 (since I still had to post this entry and shut down the computer)
A new opportunity MAY have risen. And with every opportunity that comes my way, I am very paranoid with it. I just don't want to commit the same mistake that I regretted in the past. I don't want to hurt anybody ever again. Nor would I want to hurt myself it it was at all possible, but it would be okay. I will not stray from my mission with matters that are not a priority. I will only seek to enlighten. If it comes, it comes. I will not run after it because that may not be my mission. I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything anyway. I just don't want to commit the same mistakes... I just don't want to hurt anybody anymore...
Questions, questions, questions... Questions without answers are definitely not Q&A material. They're always subject to debate, but the debate leads nowhere. As for the clueless old me, I'm still lost haha...
I can't believe I just asked someone out for the first time. And no, I keep telling people that it wasn't a date. It was just "dinner". I asked if I could get to talk to her over dinner. I wouldn't call it a date since there was (or is) no intentional intent of looking for a relationship. I just wanted to get to know her. What better way is there than dinner?
It was a happy night since I have a new friend. ^_^
I remastered Bright Rain for a little more punch. The change was unnoticable, but it gives the song more "power". ^_^ I think that's the final, mastered version of Bright Rain now. As for Poignant Winter, it's still in the "mastered for now" stage until I really get to tinker with it. :P
Trickster Online is SO CUTE!! It's so cute it's almost perfect. The interface is so good that the normal MMORPG-er may not find it so difficult to "learn" it. Although I have no idea on the skills and whatnot, it MAY be my replacement for Ragnarok Online. T_T
Speaking of which... I'm so sleepy. I'm so hungry. I'm so excited. I'm so Trickster. I'm so music. I'm so Ragnarok. I'm so MOMO. I'm so mIRC-trivia. I'm so YM. But I have to choose one. My body and mind tells me "sleep" is in order (no choice).
Song descriptions: 01. Journey of Pursuit (Rebirth Mix) - This is my first song and original. It was supposed to be for a mini-ad back in late 2003. It never got used due to the fact that I finished the arrangement only by July 2004. I mastered it only by 2005. Inspired by "Rococco" by Kansai. 02. Iron Plate (Bare Knuckle Expander Mix) - This is a remix of "Expander", a track used in level 7-2 in "Bare Knuckle 2" ("Streets of Rage 2" in the US), a Sega MegaDrive/Genesis game. I liked the aggression and thus attempted a hard trance arrangement. I submitted this to some video game music remixing sites and they both didn't like it. So I did some more arrangements and just kept it for myself. Inspired by "Move and Proceed" by X-DREAM from the "Gran Turismo 4 Kicks" album. 03. Faithful - This is a remix of "Evergreen" from "Legend of Demon Castle" ("Castlevania 3" in the US) for the Famicom/NES system. I tried to do it in a subtle melodic trance type of mix. This is still my best loved upbeat creation as of writing. Inspired by the original track and "Haunted Souls" by Trance Control. 04. Sleepers - My first "slow" song. This is also an original. Inspired by "The Seven Sleepers" book and "Depth Charge" by Frank Klepacki from the "Command & Conquer: Covert Operations" game. 05. Bright Rain - Remix of "Storm Over the Ocean", a song from "O2Jam". O2Jam is an online PC game from E-Games. Inspired by the original song and "White Skies (Club Mix)" by bLiNd. 06. Poignant Winter - Morbidly cold arrangement of "Union" from "Legend of Dracula 2" ("Castlevania Adventure 2: Belmont's Revenge" in the US) for the Nintendo Gameboy. Inspired by the original track (for YEARS), "Angel" by Massive Attack from the "Collected" album, and "Rinne no Hate ni... (remix)" by Fumiko Orikasa from the singles album.
Note: "Inspired" does not mean "closely copied". It MAY sound like it's almost been ripped off from the inspired tune, or it may sound like 2 million lightyears away from the inspiration. Inspiration is inspiration.
I ran out of things to post here. O_O I'll just post super light nonsense stuff. ^_^
I've been kinda busy with AncientRO (a private server of Ragnarok Online). The death of pRO (to the bots) is not what I wanted, but I had to quit (until the bots go away).
As for music, I've done 6 songs now. 01. Journey of Pursuit (Teknolotix Scrap Mix) 02. Iron Plate (Bare Knuckle Expander Mix) 03. Faithful 04. Sleepers 05. Bright Rain 06. Poignant Winter I'll post some details (but not the files) some other time.
As for how to answer people's questions such as "what have you been up to?", well... Here's your answer. ^_^ I think that pretty much sums up most of my time. I need to do something else, I think. All of those above are not bringing me income. O_O
