*sigh* If I have to go through the hurt and the pain of that which I just went through the past few days to get this kind of joy right now, I would be willing to do so. ^____^
So much negativity on my previous posts, huh? XD It's like two people are posting on this blog. XD All it takes is a little faith, a little effort, a little happiness, and a little love... I am so perky tonight that I do weird things. XD I'm hungry... I better eat first. XD
I have decided to face my problems head on. I will not "kill" my mind for I will only be running away that way. I will face it with a crash in the end, but gently. I will face it. I will not back away. I will not run away. I will not allow anything to take me away from her. Nothing. Not even abstract ones that cannot be seen. Not human, not emotion, not material things.
Well, all I have to do now is just to remain as faithful and as trusting as possible. I will remain strong and endure. I will not break apart. Such is me.
My mind is winning again. Too many doubts. Too many things to worry about. Too many things to think about. Too much pressure. Too many conditions to follow. Too selfless for the betterment of the self. Too envious. Too jealous. Too weak. Too paranoid. Too apologizing. Too much... This is all too much for my soul. But I know that He does not give me what I am not able to handle. But what if it was not Him who... Am I the one who placed myself in this? Am I thinking too much? I need some sleep. But I can't sleep. Damn it, I need to kill my mind. I have to have something so that I can turn off my mind for a while. Just for a while. Just so that my heart would win. My heart is weak. I am weak. The things we do to the people that we love... It is too early that I ask for sacrifices on her part. But will we be able to survive this? We should. For the love of God, please let us survive this. I don't want to take things away from people. I don't want to hurt people...
I am running out of people to talk to. I am running out of things to say. I am running out of emotions to feel. I am running out of sanity to keep up with this. Please do not be offended if I talked to you before and I won't be talking to you now. I think I am clamming up a bit now. I don't want to, but I have to stay sane. I have to think for my own. I have to KEEP AWAY FROM PEOPLE!!! I JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY!! I JUST DON'T WANT TO HURT MYSELF?!?!!? WHY THE HELL DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!!??!
Eternal torment is not what I am looking for. But I am also very afraid of turning back to my apathetic self now. Not now. Not that I finally have somebody. I just can't handle the pressures of things like these. I am sorry for being weak. I am sorry for being not being able to handle things like this like a strong man should. I know that exposure to suffering and pain can make you stronger, but will I be able to survive this without affecting things around me negatively? I do not want to lose her. But I do not want to hurt her. I do not want to take as many things as possible just to have her. Why do things have to be this way?
WHY AM I SO DAMNED SELFLESS ALL THE TIME?!?! I don't want to be selfish. I can't bring myself to be selfish even if other people tell me to be. I am always so careful in hurting other people that I hurt myself in turn. What can I do that will not hurt people? I try to apologize and people do not like me for it. I know that hearing apologies repeatedly for a period is irritating. But what can I do when I am already hurting someone??? It hurts me so much when I hurt someone else. It hurts me so much that I am going to lose yet another. I AM WEAK!! I cannot take pain like this!! I am not as strong as I want to be! I am not as strong as I THINK I am! I am not as strong as people THINK I am! Why do I always have to be so damned selfless?!?! And with this post, I am in tears not because I want to be selfish, but because I have hurt another person and that I am hurt because of that. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO DAMNED STUPID IN THESE SITUATIONS!! I am no expert of the heart. That is my weakness... I cannot continue typing anymore. It hurts too much.
One day, you're happy. One day, you're sad. One day, you're living. One day, you're dying. It's not a roller coaster ride. It's just life. Sometimes, all these "it's ok" and "life is just like that, get used to it" phrases are the ones that make life miserable. Is this all there is to life? Full of ups and downs without even reaching your goal? I'm really disappointed in myself for stooping this low like this. But sometimes, emotions are just in the way. But emotions are what gives me my joy, and my love. Thank you...
Love is indeed a wonderful thing when you trust someone. I hope I can trust all the people around me. Don't worry, I'm starting to fully trust you now. I love you.
When I start talking to people, when I start sharing my life with people, that is when I'll know who my real friends are. That is when I'll know who really cares. For those who will not pass this, I am sorry. I guess you're not my friends, then. One word of spite and it will be over. I will not tolerate any discrimination for my type of people who value our online lives probably more than our real ones. I will not tolerate people who will say that we are not meant to be... She has already given me so much life and joy and I will not do anything to compromise that. I'm sorry.
I just realized it big time... One of the main reasons that I am like this and why I have become like this is because I have trust issues. I really don't know why I'm having a very difficult time trusting people. People I love, people I care about, people who care about me. These trust issues are hurting me and the people around me. I don't really know how I turned out like this. I don't know how I am to solve this. I almost had no problem with this when I had no plans before, when I didn't care when people failed my trust. But now, now that I have someone, it hurts when you can't get yourself to trust them enough. It hurts when it is not their problem, but yours. Please don't be hurt or offended if you feel that I don't trust you much (or at least not yet). It is not your problem. It is mine. These are trust issues that I am having. Not yours. Why am I so untrusting?
Oh, happy days... *sigh* Times like these make me feel like the life I'm living is actually more of a dream than reality. I just hope I don't wake out of this one. But since I am able to read (and type) this thing, it means that it's real. XD Weeeeeee!!! *sigh* Super thank you!!!!
The Lord can really be sarcastic at times. He just almost told me now... "*slap* That's what you get for making mistakes. *slap* That's what you get for not following my words. ... ... ... Just kidding. I love you, my son. You just had a small view of what it is not to follow my loving words for you."
Appropriately contrasting to my last post... I don't even know what to say, who to talk to, or where to go. I ask of your forgiveness. I beg of your forgiveness. I feel like dying tonight. I feel like crying, but I must remain strong. Lord... what happened?
*sigh* Life is such a joy now. ^__^ Thank you. Tiring, painful, and full of problems... But it's all worth it. Thanks goes to the one I call my Savior. ^__^
Nice, nice... I am kind of scrapping the drum 'n bass track I was doing. Poor Tarkheena... X___X Anyway, I'm doing something new now. "Nobility (Tim & Dre Mix)" is turning out real well after only 3 days of working on it. "Nobility" is a Victorian piece done by a great friend. I am having high hopes for this one. ^__^
Hahaha... "I thought" is always a killer. It can lead you to paranoia. It can drive you mad. Turns out, it was only an interrupted conversation. ^____^
kisetsu wa odayaka ni owari o tsugeta ne irodorareta kioku ni yosete sayonara ai o kureta ano hito wa kono hitomi ni yurameiteita
togirenai kimochi nante hajime kara shinjitenakatta utsuriyuku machinami ni torinokosareta mama
yukikau ano hitobito ga ima wa tooku ni kanjirarete zawamekisae usurete wa tameiki ni kieteshimau
kuuseki ni mitsumerareta taikutsu na kyuujitsu ni wa owaru koto naku anata ga nagaretsuzuketeiru
wakatteitemo kizukanai furishite oboreteita yo itsudemo dareka no koto omotteru yokogao demo suteki dattakara
kisetsu wa odayaka ni owari o tsugeta ne irodorareta kioku ni yosete sayonara ai o kureta ano hito wa kono hitomi ni yurameiteita
ato... dore kurai darou? soba ni itekureru no wa sou... omoinagara toki o kizandeita yo
yosete wa kaeshiteku... nami no you ni kono kokoro wa sarawarete
kyou mo machi wa aimokawarazu omoi megurase sorezore ni egaiteyuku... sayonara ai o kureta ano hito wa tooi sora ni koi kogarete kono hitomi ni yurameiteita
utsuriyuku machinami ni tameiki wa koboreta
The season has announced its end Dreaming at the colourful memories Oh goodbye! The one who has brought love along Appearing at the back of my eyes
Don’t believe right from the beginning There will be un-changeable love Lost in the view of the changing street
People who passes by Now has a distant feeling When the noisy people slowly pass by Disappear in a sound of sigh
Facing the empty chair During the boring holiday You have endlessly appear in the sea of mind
Although the heart understands but pretending not to know Actually I am sinking forever Sinking in someone’s thought Even though it is only a face but still with the same beauty
The season has announced its end Dreaming at the colourful memories Oh goodbye! The one who has brought love along Appearing at the back of my eyes
Actually... Still for how long? Coming and going…like the tides Yes... in the hours of aspiration time never stops
Coming and going…like the tides Hitting my heart
The street of today still recalls lot of memories Craving on every single scene Oh goodbye! The one who has brought love along Loving with despair at the distant sky Appearing at the back of my eyes
On the ever changing scene of the street, I sigh reluctantly.
This song is a beautiful song. But I do not want to be singing this song like this is going to happen to me, nor would I want it to happen to me. I will hold on. Please don't go... I cannot lose anyone anymore, not you.
Dreams hurt. Dreams can sting like a syringe driven through your heart. When you wake up and you realize that it was not real, it hurts. When you wake up and realize that you were dreaming of something of the past, it hurts. But there are certain dreams just worth dreaming again and again and again. I am not a numb person. I want to live the dream. I will be dreaming for us.
Right now, I am almost emotionless. But my affections are still intact. Happy-happy with a little food and music here. AND THERE'S SUPER CLEARANCE SALE OF MINIDISC IN AUSTRALIA!!!! XD
I will not lose what I have found. I will not let go of what I have tasted.
I need my share of logic drives now. I need my share of things to do where my heart would race. I need my share of things to do where my heart will not be able to tell me anything. I need to tire it out. I need my Wushu now. I need to get everything out. I need to sweat it all out. I need to have my share of my racing games. I need things that will be fast enough to leave my heart behind. I need you!! Damn it. My current tasks are not enough to shut my heart's words.
Right now, I feel that apathy is the most logical choice I have if I want to stay sane. But just as I have said, I have chosen this foolishly stupid path against all my philosophies and logic. I have already started treading on this path. I will see to its end. I will bear this pain. I don't know where the train is headed. I have this feeling it's headed for a crash, but I took it anyway.
My heart and my mind are on each other's throats. I am too weak to handle the pain caused by their clashes. My heart is mindless and my mind is heartless. I am being ripped apart. Right now at this very moment, I am siding with my mind.
To everyone who has put up with this side of me... Thank you. I cannot be grateful enough. Especially when I am in this situation. Thank you.
--==edit==-- O2Jam... One of the most perfect tools for apathy. It uses my mind so much that my heart is not able to say anything anymore. My heart races to a rate above the normal heart rate. But my mind does not mind. It is this "logic heaven" that I find comfort in now.
You broke my silence. You broke my solitude. You hurt me, but I'll gladly take that for the joy that you bring. You can break my heart, but you'll never be able to stop me from being happy with you. Thank you so much.
Hahaha... Nutcase, I tell you. Now I'm absolutely happy and filled with hope. As I said a couple of times already, 2006 is a year to look forward to. All the pain that will come with it will be worth it. To the people with whom I have talked to: Whatever I said that the rewards aren't worth the risks, I take that back. I would rather have chosen to be a risk-taking fool than be ignorant of the joys of that which is "she". ^__^
I'm feeling like some sort of nutcase. One minute I'm happier than joy itself, one minute I'm as sad as if it was someone was dying, one minute I'm as apathetic as a boulder (or rock or stone) that doesn't give a damn about the life of a human being... I guess some kind of emotional instability is creeping back into my life. If this still really isn't it, I'm through with this matter.
--==edit==-- I just HAD to come back and add this to the post... A world of apathy... What I would give for a world of apathy...
*sigh* I miss days like these when there is almost no emotion, just tasks. No joy, no despair, no happiness, no love, no hate, no hurt, no sorrow, no quirkiness, no anguish... The heart, the mind, the body... All working on pure logic. I didn't say I like that, but I said I "miss" that. There are some things that are just worth dying for.
Sometimes, things that are too good to be true pass by your way in life. It is up to you to believe in them or not. You either have to be extremely faithful or extremely stupid to fall for something like that. As for me, I chose to be faithfully stupid. I'm going to see where it takes me.
I know this is a weird song to be hit very hard with, emotionally. It IS a bit of punk rock. But when I heard this song, it just hit me hard. It was like someone was talking to me...
Paper Wings by: Rise Against
One last thing I beg you please, just before you go I've watched you fly on paper wings halfway 'round the world Until they burned up in the atmosphere and sent you spiraling down Landing somewhere far from here with no one else around To catch you falling down And I'm looking at you now
And I can't tell if you're laughing Between each smile there's a tear in your eye There's a train leaving town in an hour It's not waiting for you and neither am I
"Swing for the fences, son," he must have told you once That was a conversation you took nothing from so Raise your glass now and celebrate exactly what you've done Just put off another day of knowing where you're from You can catch up with yourself If you run
Is this the life that you lead? Or the life that's lead for you? Will you take the road thats been laid out before you? Will we cross paths somewhere else tonight? Somewhere else tonight...
Looking forward to the next days to come is a joy I haven't felt in a while. It is different than "fearing" the next days to come. I'm looking forward to them. I look forward with great fear, but the sacrifices will be worth it.
Futility. It is a dangerous feeling that can do a lot of damage when it sticks itself with a person. Men were created for something. We were created so that we can fulfill a purpose. Futility just makes us all empty and worthless.
"Taro Iwashiro - Futility (Rurouni Kenshin: "Ishinshishi e no Requiem" - Theatrical Animation Original Soundtrack)"
Wow... This avatar is so... Me... Just not with the big eyes and the big hands. And I don't have such a round face. XD
Anyway... Life goes on. If we fear the future too much, we'll just lose it. We should plan for the future and make contingencies because not everything goes according to plan. BUT that doesn't mean we use our whole lives planning because we won't have time for the present.
I've been sacrificing for other people for so long that once I had a taste of freedom from it, I got lost. The time has come for the sacrifices to begin once again.
It's been so long since I've been inspired by another human being. It's a wonderful feeling. But I am not really feeling inspired right now (right this moment) because it is already friggin' 4:30 in the morning. XD Thank you.
Recently, I've been shown how it is to feel so much joy and hope. I've also been shown how it is to feel so much despair and hopelessness that you would rather not take the risks involved to feel joy because of the pain.
There are so many things we want. There are so many things we don't want. We want some things, but we do not want the responsibilities and consequences that come with them. We are so torn with the joys and the pains of life that we get lost. But it's really up to us to choose for the joys we want to have. It's up to us if we want to take the challenges of having the "joy of our lives". I've chosen to drop a lot of them. No one can tell me how I should live my life. No culture, no time, no people are going to dictate what I should become. I will become what I am.
-=edit=- By the way, to the people who are telling me to "get a life", to "have a happy life", to "try and be happy and cheerful", sorry. I have my life now. I have established myself in that I will not want to change anymore. This IS my life. You tell me to get a life, so go ahead and YOU get a life. I am content like this. I especially get pissed with the "get a life" statement. It's like a dictative command as if HE or SHE is "the higher life" with higher status and better things. So, no. I say no to drugs and I say no to statements like that just as much as I would say no to tobacco and stuff all that damn stuff into your lungs through your mouth with a plunger with spikes. YOU smokers did this to me. Damn you for helping me with my weak lungs.
I realize that it's not being surrounded by a lot of friends that matters. It's such a joy to know that even though you only got a small circle, they're real friends. The midpoint of the circle is always closer to the outer part if it is a small circle. Thank you, guys.
It just pains me so to be wondering what exactly it is you're supposed to be doing, and then you're slapped with so many things to do that you lose your focus again. I think that's ok. But the strict deadlines of all "the other things" are just taking their toll on me. I am just starting to have some time with friends now, and then a lot of "work" starts to pour in. Not that "work" will bring any guaranteed finances, but business is business. There are risks. I just don't want to risk losing my friends. Not now. Not anymore.
